This post was too late because in the last days of the year, I thought I had finally gathered enough energy to start a YouTube channel to be able to publicize my absurd thoughts. However, that energy has decayed. I am currently writing this post after having an incredibly shitty start for 2023. In a previous couple of days, I was closest to achieving some of my long-living goals. In one or two days, everything started to collapse. I do not think I even want to talk about 2022 anymore. I will try though, but you know what makes it hard? I would start with my burning penis after an extremely uncomfortable experience using H&S as lube due to an unconscious recommendation of my ONS. But you know what is even more brutal? The whole fucking day. I used every living cell to try to create a positive environment. This collapsed when I woke up in the morning to one more currency devaluation. Jokes about the economic state were fun initially to take up the heat. My go-to way to deal with hurdles is sarcasm. However, the current situation in the country is beyond that. Imagine waking up to find your monetary assets diminishing in value, your properties becoming useless, and your social status downgrading. I do not think that is funny in any way. I have asserted on multiple occasions that I came from a barely living background. Fortunately, we are not sinking into debt. Still, there is a difference between living and living. Barely affording your necessities is not pleasurable enough to promote life. Imagine that I am considered more successful than 99.9% of my life peers, and I am still going fucking crazy. I have no idea whether it is a conscious decision to hold on to being alive. Due to poor background, I can not achieve my only ultimate need; seeking pleasure. Due to poor economy, I can not depend on my intelligence to shrink painful arcs. Due to apathetic spirituality, I can not find blind peace. Go fuck yourself with your Buddhist beliefs, suffering is suffering, and absolute acceptance is not real. Accept your animalistic nature and stop being obsessed brats. Not giving a fuck is fake. Your nature makes you give a fuck. The reason humanity developed is evolution's choice to make us give a fuck. I consider myself highly carefree and chill. Despite that, everything is too shitty to ignore. I am still in my early 20s and the whole world is collapsing. Not only that but every possible way to find a branch out of the cycle is being blocked. I am BFSing every possible path, all of which are pushing to the abyss. I may escape the loop. I may achieve peace. But what will happen to future generations? How would anyone feel safe creating descendants who will face nothing but suffering? This night was supposed to be optimal. I had an interesting conversation with my ONS. We had fun except for the H&S turnoff. But then, we both have suddenly decided to go philosophical. We both believed that none of us is in a remotely close form to achieve social acceptance. We are facing an economic chasm in a nature-suppressing community where everything that gives you a tiny bit of pleasure is getting ruthless. I may never meet her again, but I do not think I will ever forget this night. I am sick of faking that life is going on. Life has been in an indisputable phase since I was born. Though, I would have loved more to play it as a rich character facing some parental issues. I am currently in my bed smoking a cigarette and drinking black tea with milk. That reminded me of something from my only actual genuine previous relationship. We have always had that argument about whether that drink sucked or not. I have always hated it. Now while I am drinking it after a couple of years passing, I think it is not actually that bad. Or is it the cigarette that is making a shitty experience not only tolerable but competent? I am not sure whether I am missing those days or missing the pure feelings I previously possessed.
Let's not get off topic; 2022 was fantastic! At least in the sense of facing a wide variety of experiences. The year came after 2021, full of pleasurable fun shit wrapped magnetically with a warm ending that I am currently missing. 2022 was not like that. It started with an average Tokhy social refactoring happening in my circle. New people joined, and multiple people departed. Arcs finished, and new arcs started. With a modicum of constants, I got into 2022 full of expectations in terms of profound pleasure. Academic-wise, not that much shit happened. Regular being-extremely-fucked-then-having-marvelous-comebacks things. Maybe the 4.0 was broken, but that's okay, considering the circumstances. While it was still extraordinarily breathtaking, you know academics can suck my dick. I had friends rediscover their sexual orientation. I had friends rediscover their social orientation. I had friends rediscover themselves. I had friends rebrand themselves. Throughout all of those melodramatic variations, your guy did not change a tiny bit; same shit since 9th grade. This does not devalue the new experiences in any way. I made multiple lifelong friendships. I became close to being expelled, killed, and having myself killed. I became close to achieving my particular mental supremacy and lost it all in a couple of moments. After many ups and downs, success was not the title of the year, but neither was failure. I am grateful for the excellent stuff and fuck you, world, for the shitty stuff; I am no fan of learning from mistakes, you know? Actually, rethinking it, I made no mistakes this year. I regret nothing. I am actually proud of myself of taking the best decision in each and every state. But sometimes, even that is not enough.
I had an adequate peaceful ending for 2022, facilitating the start of 2023. While the first four days of the year do not show any promise, I am still here to continue pursuing my ultimate goals; seeking pleasure &| death.
As always, here are the albums I listened to the most in 2022. MOUSV topped the list (orz!)
Posted at Thu, 05 Jan. 2023 - 05:53:11 AM