Depression is Inevitable

I'm done. I'm done with the dysphoric mania episodes. I'm done with how deceptive are the people. I'm done with your devious shit. I am no longer interested in investing time in socializing. I am no longer interested in dealing with fraudulent bluffers. I am sick of how most people I know are fucking mendacious deceivers.

I'm done with people. I'm done with being alone and lonely. I'm done with academic stress. I'm done with non-academic stress. I'm done with stuff that makes me sad. I'm done with my unjustifiable depression. I'm done with being ill. I'm done with needing drugs to be healthy. I'm done with needing drugs to feel joy. I'm done with how my depression never made sense. I'm done with how your bullshit never made sense. I'm done with your inconsistent minds. I'm done with my nude mind. I'm done with your stupidity. I'm done with my intelligence.

I am sick of my internal dialogue. I'm sick of his judgment. I am sick of him controlling my body suffocating me to death. I am sick of him not letting me at least kill myself in peace. I have been trying to get rid of him for years. I have miserably failed. His darkness is spreading through my body. It controls my parietal lobe, amygdala, limbic cortex, left hemisphere, cerebrum, and prefrontal cortex. I am still barely able to control my limbs. It is growing inside, and I do not feel safe. It is conquering my body careless about the consequences. I am trying to hold up the last vestiges of my body. I can't. It is taking over. I can no longer hold the war. I am losing. Please do not believe him talking. He is trying to beautify this mess. He is the one who's okay, not me. Please believe me. I am me. He is telling you it is a drama for the public. Fucking bullshit. Pathetic justifications. I can barely control my hands right now. I have no idea whether I will be able to publish this. I have no idea what is his goal. I am not sure if I will be ever able to feel safe again. His control was severe enough to force me to think that he was my only way of safety. That is not how I memorize safety. Is he gaining control over my memories? I do not know if I am safe right now or this is just his way of taking over. Is this absolute safety? I am seeing a vague image of how safety sounded. I guess it is controlling me to assure my safety? Maybe I am exaggerating? Perhaps they are seeking our mutual good? I remember back then, I trusted him for how powerful he was. I loved how powerful he made me become. Am I sick of the power? Do I really want to end this? Can I even end this? Is it necessary? Well, I guess it is not doing any harm. I guess I am leaving it to be. Thank you for keeping me safe. I guess I have to adapt to the depression. I am sure he knows how to handle it. I trusted him back then. I am trusting him now. Maybe he just needs time? I will trust the process. I am sure he is ...