Is It Done?
It is commonly assumed that a portion of people wants to "suicide" due to their severe depression/ anxiety. However, I do not think this case applies to me. When I get suicidal thoughts, they were more likely due to my "boredom". While this is ironic, I noticed it is profoundly true in my case. I usually do new things every now and then. Still, whenever I have nothing to do for a couple of days, I get a feeling of emptiness that degrades my brain. I get the feeling of uselessness and incompetency. I really can not stand the idea of doing nothing at all. I spend time usually to discover and explore new things, but sometimes I just can not find a thing to do, or you can say "I got bored of it". This does not only apply to a specific aspect; it is pretty generalized in my life. I get bored of emotions, people, specialty, and entertainment. Just consider it a global rule; I get bored of everything and everyone. My life has been a loop between my "emptiness" phase and other phases filled with new things I discover and get swamped in for a while. Then, I get back to my emptiness, and if nothing came to fill it quick, it gets upgraded from "boredom" to the deadly, lethal, motiveless suicidal thoughts (Or technically, masturbation first).
Now, during one of my void phases, I decided to raise a question: "Will it ever be done?". I suffered from continuous shitty feelings due to my obnoxious thoughts, so it is foreseeable that I will try to fix it. What can I consider as a solution? Maybe "discover new things", fuck you that will be "done" sometime and I will return to my void. The issue is that the magnitude of my rebuttal phase is measured by the magnitude of its previous state. Thus, if I reached goals, unlocked abilities, updated things, I will get wrecked by a punch with the same power of my achievements. "What about ... achieve nothing, and calm? This is unfortunately unfeasible to me, I can not do nothing, I talked about it on multiple occasions, I even tried it for a couple of years, but I only get in a more bulk fist fight.
But I will not simply go and kill myself right now, there is still a lot of shit to do before taking such a prominent and impactful well, not really, decision. Thus, I decided to go on the extra mile and see what the world has to offer, maybe new music innovation come to light [Crying in Daft Punk], perhabs I decide to get a new job, go for a PhD, have some casual sex or formal, I'm into having sex with suits. The important regarding this is that I have taken the decision to end my life peacefully, but I have not stated the date and location yet. I am happy that I finally asserted that decision. Now I can have fun doing everything in life without restrictions knowing that I decided to die. I cleared the burden of continuous suicidal thoughts by deciding to suicide, and when I feel I am done with all of life's offers, I will cheerfully and blissfully end my life.
Now, maybe I had no control over how my timeline started, but I will be the one who chooses how and it will end.
I will add any updates to this article, so keep checking it frequently until you find the title's answer.
Posted at Thu, 27 Jun. 2002 - 05:48:39 PM